Apr 17

“She always knew who she was…”

What makes us free spirited, self confident creatures?

 

Once I had a friend. I loved her dearly not because she was so obedient and easy to handle, but because of her firm, opinionated nature…

She was called Renee, and she was a 3 year old mare when I first saw her. Her life began in an unfortunate way because of an injury labeled “ringbone”. When she was a young filly, her front hoof inflamed, and then over the course of months it ossified and solidified into one bone. While it was inflamed, she was in excruciating pain and it lasted for many months. After the process finished, the pain was gone, she could step, trot and canter, but her hoof lost its flexibility. She can work, but not excessive otherwise she can become permanently lame.

She caught my eyes when she eagerly tried to join her horse friend who was led out from the paddock to be given a lesson. The coach needed help to keep her back while the other one stepped through the gate. I asked her and learnt her sad story. Due to this injury she had no training, she had no rider, she had no job, and she had no visitors. The same evening I decided that even though I am not a big horseman, I will try to make her life a bit happier. I reviewed what I can do for her: I might lead her out from the stable to walk, graze and I can groom her sometimes and we could play the so called “free launch” in the arena – when the horse just runs around without any restriction. Thus, our playing around began.

Immediately at the beginning of our friendship, she showed that against all odds, she is a very free spirited creature. She knew exactly what she wanted to do and in what order. She dragged out her head from her leader’s hand. She reared at me when she wanted grazing instead of walking. She gently pushed me away when she wanted grazing before grooming. – She preferred grazing in favor of anything else! She broke out from the paddock more times with her horse friend. Once I helped the coach to take them back, and she said: “I take Renee you take Pria (the other horse), because Renee has an attitude now: ‘I’m a free woman!”’

After months of fooling around, the time has come when she was sold to a new owner. Before she left, I said good bye to her with a heavy heart. – Today she has a physically mild job; she works with autistic children, and has a foul of her own.

One time I had a chance to see her with the new owner, who was a kind lady. She led Renee out to an open arena. She showed off in response to her happiness: she whinnied, she galloped, she bucked up, and she ran in front of me just to stop at the last moment – which she liked to play before. The new owner said she has never seen a horse so confident after that serious injury.

When I met again with the previous owner, I shared my experience; then she told me:

“She always knew who she was!”

It dropped into my lap: That makes the difference! Knowing who we are enables us to be confident. Even if we have flaws or injuries, we are full of great characteristics. If we are aware of them, we can walk around with our head up high!

 

You too want to be confident?

You too want to be sure about yourself?

You too want to feel lovable?

“Discovering ME!” E-book is downloadable here.

You can investigate you inner assets and build up Self-Esteem, Self-Confidence with it!

 

Apr 01

What is Self Knowledge good for?

The list of what we can benefit from Self-Knowledge from Best Choices through high Self-Esteem to better Conflict Resolution

…and many more

 


“Know Thyself” was written in gold in the forecourt of the Apollo temple in Delphi. There were those who believed it descended from heaven. Psychologists use this proverb as verification of their point of view such as: “See! Even the wise ancient Greeks told you so.”

Once, while attending college, I went to an exam for Clinical Psychology. Before the real deal, somehow my musician past came up when the examiner – therapist himself – responded with two words: – “Diffuse Identification”. I was quite embarrassed, and felt very uncertain but annoyed at the same time. Why?

I wasn’t sure if changing a career path is really identical with diffuse identification, but the labeling and using the exam situation for diagnostics made me mad. On the other hand, this provoked me to think about my choices: how did I gravitate towards a musician career and why did I change? It gave me pause and I reflected about those choices and circumstances – and also some recognition about the professor’s behavior: Why exactly did he show off with his instant diagnostic ability?

I am sure you can recall similar events from your life, and probably you agree with me: had we known more about ourselves, we would have responded more appropriately.

The worth of Self-Knowledge seems to be self-evident, yet filling the “whys” into words doesn’t come easy.

Let’s take this into account and determine the value of Self-Knowledge?

1 CHOICES

Before a career choice, I usually say to people to think about the following: one third of your adult life you will spend in your workplace! It has to be something that you enjoy.

Aha, but there is a catch! – It reflects on my priorities! I prefer joyful activity higher than money or anything else, but others might prefer money, prestige or authority above all. This is why I think every advice is somewhat lacking: it is based on the other person’s character, principles and values.

In the area of choices, the advantage of Self-Knowledge is the most obvious: the more we are aware of our characteristics, the better we chose a fitting job, partner, friends and lifestyle.

On every occasion, we need to overview hundreds of different variables:
In a career choice:
– Do I prefer money more than the joyfulness of an occupation? Can I withstand monotony? Do I have the appropriate skill for that particular job?

In the choice of a partner:
– Is the reliability of a partner more important than the physical attractiveness or the parenting skill?

In friendships:
– Do I need only a few but deep, honest friends or do I need the company of lots of friends even if the connection is superficial?

In a hobby:
– Should I join a book club or rather a mountaineer team?

In parenting:
– Should I force more clothing onto the children or only my “warm-loving self” makes me feel like I’m too cold for a single sweater?

2 CONFLICTS

The harder the situation becomes when we are in conflict with someone. How many times were you hit at your heart when you were told you are too quick, too slow, too lazy, too busy, never finish anything, unable to adjust, unable of doing things right… Hurtful and embarrassing, isn’t it?

It is, especially if you are not sure whether it is true or not? What action is necessary; thinking about a possible change, or arguing about the truthfulness of the statement?

When you have to argue or compromise, you really need solid ground. It must be determined what is rightful critique and requires admittance and what is a false observation and needs to be rejected. This is always hard in the heat of the moment.

Being clear and confident about our personality, skills and habits makes us less vulnerable when our character is criticized. If we know who we are, we can shake off the bad feeling from ourselves.

3 ACHIEVEMENTS – GOAL SETTING

The famous Hungarian Pianist and Composer Ferenc Liszt said: “The talent obliges.”

I agree. If you have talent you are expected to develop it and the same time you will be happy to practice it, not to mention how it will elevate your Self-Esteem. Find out your special talent! You will be a happier, better person if you know what you are good at – the more the better – and improve those skills.

Don’t say you don’t have talent! There is no person who is not good at something! If not skiing then cooking, if not cooking then maintaining friendships, if not that than solving riddles…

There are so many areas of the world from academic achievements to emotional intelligence, from athletics to music; I’m 100 % sure you can find something worthy to develop and set appropriate goals accordingly.

4 HEALTH and BALANCE

Being aware of your special type helps you to maintain your health and balance. It’s never the style or a certain type that’s problematic, but rather when someone drifts to the extreme.

Let’s say you’re an extravert person and love social gatherings. It’s OK, and a good choice for your type, but you need to allow some time to relax and withdraw otherwise you would exhaust yourself.

Naturally the opposite is true as well: if you are an introvert and you like to be on your own with a good book it is completely OK. However, you need to be careful not to isolate yourself completely.

Creating balance requires the knowledge of what is on one side and what is on the other.

5 SELF-ESTEEM

Self-Knowledge and Self-Esteem comes hand in hand. Until you know who you are, how could you be confident? What are you proud of if you don’t know your talents? Self-Knowledge is the best builder of Self-Esteem.

6 SOCIAL CONNECTIONS

I already mentioned that choosing the right partner is easier if you know yourself. Keeping up good connections, finding compromises and solving problems is also easier if you are quite clear about your own world. For example: it can be your needs, your expectations, your values, and your personality.

– By the way, the WISE LOVE program was designed to help partners to know themselves and each other in the above mentioned categories!

7 CHILD REARING

If you raise children you have one more reason to know yourself:

Are you short tempered? – You need to discipline yourself not to hurt the children with your temper. (Maybe Anger Management training would help?)

Are you impatient? – The next time when you’re about to lose your patience, you need to remember that your tension comes from your impatience, not from the children’s behavior!

Are you too permissive? – If you have difficulty deciding whether or not letting the children go or you need to stand up for discipline, this knowledge might help you to choose the right response.

In child rearing, everything is two sided: one is their behavior – the other is the parent’s evaluation of it. Bringing the best decisions requires deep knowledge about our traits: what are our reference points on which our evaluations are based?

You can even deepen this awareness by thinking back to your childhood and keeping in mind what sort of treatment helped you and what hurt you. Thinking about your parent’s habits and what came through to your parenting style, plus deciding if it is desired and willful or automatic can make a huge difference in child rearing.

8 UNVEILING OUR BLIND SPOTS

Believe it or not: we all are full of features we are unaware of that might be good or bad. Our conscious ego needs an effective filter in order to guide us through our everyday lives and not to be overwhelmed by contradictory thoughts, feelings and judgments.

We have an army of “self-defense” which saves us from unwanted complications: we can repress or suppress inconvenient feelings; we can bring up rational explanations which might be true, but not the real reason of an action; we can intellectualize; we can deny; we can separate the rational and the emotional component of an event. We might behave unacceptably but not willing to acknowledge it and avoid shame. Bear in mind, the list is long.

These unconscious defense mechanisms are helpful to relieve the ego from continuous struggle with our inner psyche. But if we let any or some of them dominate our psychic life and we are not willing to acknowledge the presence of some difficulty, weakness or bad behavior, we miss the chance to solve some potentially serious problems.

What lives in our unconscious might be terrible or terrific, but until it is conscious it affects, even directs our life without the chance of our ego conscious control. When we really want to keep the rein in our hand, we need to know how we conduct ourselves!

9 FINDING OLD AGE PEACEFULNESS

You might say: “Where am I from that? First I have to get a job, establish an existence and a family, I have to get a house, raise the children and save for retirement… ”

Yes you’re right. These come first. But what comes after if you have accomplished all of that? What will keep you happy and active when you don’t have to think about these assignments? If you want a meaningful old age – or even meaningful spare time in your assignment as well as full adulthood, you need to know what makes your heart sing!

Can you add more? I’d be happy to hear from you!
Are you interested? Want more about this topic?

“Discovering ME!”  E-book 

Download now!

Feb 13

The “One and Only” does exist?

Do I have to choose right then everything will happen by default – or:
Doesn’t matter who I chose if I adjust sufficiently love will follow?
None of them, or both?

In my opinion, this concept is the product of western civilization which assumes that you simply have to find your “true love”, progress your way through to the wedding ceremony; then you are primed to live “Happily Ever After”. The main emphasis is on the choice: you choose “The Right One”, later in the courtship you might be confronted with complications, but undoubtedly everything will quickly turn into roses at the “I do.”

The opposite can be found in other cultures. For example, in India the respective parents arrange marriages sometimes even as early as childhood. The future couple doesn’t meet until the wedding. Once accomplished, they have a life time to fall in love with each other. Interestingly – or understandably? – However, their divorce statistics are much lower than ours.

These two approaches represent the two sides of a successful relationship.

On one hand, you have to choose A right person whose personality, values, expectations complement yours. In the long term, you can be sure you will meet a few people who can be a good candidate in spending your life with. If you inadvertently missed one, or lost another, it is not the end of the world – maybe the end of a trial period. It can be truly painful and worthy of grieving. Loving and being in a relationship is rather about ability: if you had it before, you have a good chance to create it next time as well. If you haven’t had a relationship before, there is genuine hope!

On the other hand, in any relationship you need to adjust to the other person. No true love exists (after the Honeymoon) where the other party has no fault, no mistake, or no annoying traits. Here comes the acceptance, common sense evaluation and adjustment. Is this annoying custom or trait important enough to mention and generate discord? Is it something which might be changed over time, or there is no other way but accept and move forward?

In some people’s opinion, a marriage is when I decide to tolerate the other one’s bad traits for a lifetime. Maybe!

How will you know if you choose well? When you only have to be more acceptant and develop skills to resolve issues? When you happen to choose wrongly, the best thing to do is to break up?

Listen to your feelings: does your partner make you feel good about yourself? Does s/he support your dreams, your hobbies, your friends, or your development? After an open conversation, do you feel strengthened as a result? If it is true, it is worth expending major efforts to make the relationship ongoing.

But if your partner makes you feel inferior, little, stupid, never good enough; if your opinion is always wrong, if you feel weakened after a conversation, you don’t feel appreciated: don’t even try to change anything! “Run, run, run as fast as you can…” –
Find someone who is able to love and appreciate you!

All in all: find the best fit from a few, and make the connection work! It could be this Valentine or one in the future. It doesn’t really apply if you have 20-30-40 years to discover that special one!

 

 

By the way: The WISE LOVE E-book can be tremendous help in both sides as it was designed for working out the process of choice with details and supporting the adjustment with practical guidance.

 

You can have WISE LOVE!

Jan 17

Revealing Emotional Manipulation

Do you catch yourself doing sometimes what you don’t want to just to avoid being ridiculed, criticized, put down, labeled or other way pressurized? This presentation is for you! 

I have no doubt about that we are all affected: parents, partners or the salesman in the door sometimes try to get us doing something, what we wouldn’t like to. Then comes the pressure and the arguments referring arbitrary external rules:

“A good wife do it for her husband!”
(Really? Which good wife for which good husband and who set that rule for whom?)

Or: “If you love me you …”
(Really? Is there only one way of showing my love?)

Or, my recent favorite:
“If someone doesn’t give (money for charity in the classroom) the others have to give more!”
Really? Why? They decided to give, which is “I want”, not “I have to”. Their “want” has nothing to do with others “want”, but surely cannot mean that the “others have to” either! But of course my main argument is what lays behind without words: “If you don’t give for charity; you are greedy!”
So you take me to the guilt trip to harvest my money…

Every time, when you begin to feel that uncertain sensation in your stomach; that someone makes you feel guilty, ashamed or ignorant when you don’t behave “As you’ve been told.” or “As you are expected.”
(Note! Even the way how they express it decline any responsibility of wanting you doing something.) You might be suspicious: do you want to manipulate me?

If you know that feeling and would like to be a bit more prepared next time, I suggest the next presentation to you!

Understand Emotional Manipulation and Set Yourself Free

 

Reveal And Override Emotional Manipulation
Sign Up for Mini Online Training

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Jan 04

How to keep our New Year’s Resolutions

Old habits can be changed by small steps, practical actions, and consistent follow up.


With the New Year upon us, are you one of the people who decided to make some changes in your life? Also, are you one of us whose big resolutions haven’t been fulfilled in previous years?

What makes a Resolution achievable?

• Realistic Goal
• Measurable Actions
• Proportionate Evaluation

A Realistic Goal is the first step towards accomplishing anything significant. If you establish a goal too low, it is way too easy to achieve. As a result, you expend minimal effort or you don’t feel like you accomplished anything. If the goal is set too high, it might become too stressful in the process of achieving it. It might be too tempting to give up with the overwhelming feeling it’s unattainable and out of reach.

If you are an introvert with few friends and a flat social life, you might decide to open up in the New Year and figure out some fun way of having more interaction with people. However, it’s not reasonable to expect yourself quickly turning into a weekly partygoer.

Measurable Actions are the heart of the process and most of the time these are missing from the repertoire of those who abandon their resolutions. I’ve heard people expressing their desire of being more organized this year, being a better parent, a better spouse, becoming more patient or less stressed out. But, in reality, how is this accomplished?

This is the part where you have to be more thorough and break down the vague desire onto measurable action. What would you do differently – and how often?

If you want to be more organized, you have to decide in which area of your life you want to see changes; home, schedule, appearance…? Once done, you need to figure out what actions do you need to take and how often; designate house cleaning once a week, buying an organizer and keeping track of the assignment on a daily basis, or creating a stricter schedule of the housework or other task weekly. Write it down, and monitor it on an ongoing basis.

Do you want to be a better parent? Which way? Do you want to be more attentive to your child? OK. Make a pledge that you will listen to his/her full story without interruption. Listen attentively to what s/he tells about the silly games they played, the hurt what s/he suffered and not just the official school stuff with homework performance and the teacher’s notice. I know! Sometimes what is important for them is completely indifferent for us. Imagine! What is important for us is completely indifferent for our children! Still, we want to stay in contact with them, don’t we? Count it! How many stories could you listen entirely to in one day? How many times did you reject listening in the name of the laundry, in the name of cooking or the shopping? (I know you have house work too!)

Do you want to be more understanding with your children or spouse? How can you measure it? When you feel like you have to roll your eyes as the sign of rejection or you are just about to say what an idiot the other party is, quickly stop yourself! This is your momentary evaluation (maybe before you would know all the circumstances). Suspend it and listen to what the other says and feels! Try to imagine yourself in his/her place! Without judgment, try to understand why s/he got into this situation in the first place. You might not react the same way in the same situation. It is nothing to judge about it, we are all different. You can count how much disapproval you drew back and changed into understanding by focusing on listening. Give yourself a tally when it was successful and another one with another color when you fell back to your old negative habit.

You can also count encouragement, approval or simply the positive initiatives from your part.

You can decide to give some small kindness every day or one substantial weekly.

Proportionate Evaluationis necessary to stay in touch with reality.

If you ate one piece of cookie, it doesn’t mean the diet is over! (“I am a big failure!”) No! You kept the morning diet, you didn’t eat a snack before noon, you resisted the temptation at lunch, didn’t have a snack in the afternoon, but Uuups! In the evening you ate a cookie! You succeeded throughout the day – at least four times if not more, and had one failure. It is at least 80% achievement! 80% is acceptable almost everywhere; in school, in an exam, in your job! Be proud of it!

If you decided to lead a healthier lifestyle and you exercised every weekday and you left one out – it is not the end of the world! This week you accomplished 80%. Reflect what’s happened why you weren’t able to accomplish that day in order to prevent it happening again! Go back to exercise the next day and try to keep your original schedule the following week!

But in any case; diet, exercise, being organized, being attentive, being understanding; think about it! Even if you reach only 50% of your original resolution, it is way better than giving up or even not having any transformation in your mind! Even if you achieve 30-50%: you’re the winner with that percentage!

Keep up the good work!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!