Dec 16

Why does Christmas seem so difficult sometimes – and how acceptance can save it?

Relate to our loved ones flaws and mistakes with acceptance can make the difference between happy or resentful Holidays.

 

No matter which culture or religion, this time of the year when the days are the shortest as well as the coldest, we all want to withdraw ourselves into our cozy den and feel the warmth of our “tribe”: warmth of the body and warmth of the soul.

In your childhood, do you recall how you could hardly wait until Christmas arrived! As adults, we also have huge expectation for the miracle of love to come to us! This is it what we yearn so much for. Is this absence of love that makes the celebration difficult? Probably not!

We work, we shop, we spend, we prepare, and we are all overly excited. Unfortunately, when the big day of the family gathering arrives; tension relentlessly stalks us. Then it hits: “You burnt the food…” “You couldn’t even decorate the tree nicely…” – you did this or that the wrong way.

But it was not even what was said that caused pain, but rather the manner in how it was delivered: with the little grimace near the nose, with suppressed irritation in the voice, with rolling of the eyes. Everything whispers: “You are not good enough!” – As a result, we feel rejected, belittled and perished. Depending on one’s character, a fraction of a second later we are angry towards the person who caused the pain or we are severely depressed with the repressed anger.

I can safely assume that you have compiled a list of these types of hurts of when someone made you feel like a faulty, unskillful or useless person. I am sure you can recall the shame and the unworthiness that you felt, as well as the feeling of utter disappointment over the ruined Holiday atmosphere.

Can we investigate the same from your side? –Sorry for the inconveniences; but it is worth it! You might recall incidents when you behaved the same with your loved ones.

I am truly sorry it happened, but I confess I have been guilty upon occasion. Only afterwards, I realized how it truly hurt their feelings.

If you can remember these kinds of happenings, I’ve got three pieces of good news to share!

-You are one of the brave one who is able to face their mistakes! Congratulations!

-You can practice acceptance over imperfection first hand on yourself! You don’t have to be perfect, you can have mistakes, and you can forgive yourself afterward! (A little atonement always helps.)

-But this is the best: if you realized that you contributed somehow to an inconvenient situation, it places the control in your hand to immediately cease it!

What’s the main thing missing? It’s not the love! We criticize our loved ones with more rejection than we criticize strangers!

It is the ACCEPTANCE that is missing!

We don’t have to be perfect, and our loved one doesn’t have to be perfect in order to be loved! Every human being is full of great characteristics as well as glaring weaknesses. No one is perfect, and no one is expected to be perfect. Excellence, especially, cannot be the condition of love!

And if you ACCEPT this idea, you can be relieved from stress. If you accept yourself altogether with your inherent flaws, then it is easier to accept your family member altogether with their flaws.

It doesn’t matter if your aunt doesn’t have a good taste in dressing, it doesn’t matter if your uncle is not the best handyman, and you can forgive if your partner was not able to find the perfect gift for you!

Even if you mention one or the other mistakes they make, you can make it with an acceptant tone in your voice, full of affection. It is the rejection that hurts, and acceptance makes negative comments tolerable.

You might be the one to initiate a new tradition: you might be generous – psychologically – and save your reproaches from encroaching upon your surroundings. You might discover followers in the process!

Finally if you absorbed this suggestion, you already know: If you forget about it during the Holiday fuss and make some nasty remarks – it is also OK. You can accept Christmas season together along with its mistakes too!

Be ACCEPTANT towards your loved ones and choose to relax!

ABOVE ALL ELSE, ENJOY THE HOLIDAYS!

 

 

 

Nov 16

What to do with relative’s nit picking during Holidays?

“Stop it! I don’t like it!”

 

The holidays are rapidly approaching. We are all getting more excited as well as more afraid: what will my mother, father, aunty, or uncle do or say in the family gathering? What if they criticize my new flat, hair, boyfriend, job or cooking? What if they remind me all over again about my childhood mistakes? What if they question all my current decisions? Will we end up quarreling as we did last time?

How can they find my most sensitive spots? How could I possibly stop them?

In Montessori Schools, teachers teach the new preschoolers: If the other children do something that you don’t like, just tell them: “Stop it! I don’t like it!” They learn it quickly, and easily use it to prevent their peers from annoying them.

As adults, if someone generates trouble, we usually try to convince them they are not right. We prove that the story they told did not happen the way they recall. We deny that we did what they shared because of the reason they said it. We swear that the other made the first step, we only replied. Actually we argue about the content of what they say.

Why are we bothered by those opinions at all? Usually, it is not because of the content but mostly because we assume or unconsciously feel that they might want to show they are more superior than we are. They might want to seem cleverer than we are. They might want to control. They might want to lecture us by pointing out our mistakes. The point is not what we are talking about, but the way they are acting dominantly towards us. This is what we really don’t like!

Although better understanding their hidden intentions is worth knowing, our own sensitivity about certain stories or approaches is even more valuable. Holidays are not the best time for those clarifications. Let’s leave it for some other time!

This time it is better to avoid unnecessary confrontations. How? If someone finds your weak point and reminds you about it; if someone pushes your button, if you feel the sudden burst of hurt and anger coming up inside you: Don’t argue, don’t fight back! With a firm, neutral voice, simply declare: “Stop it! I don’t like it!”

Tell me if it worked!

 

 

Nov 08

Is it OK for divorced couple to get back together?

Divorce is such a painful and difficult event; it stirs up so many emotions. Among others we can be hit by doubt: is it OK to get back together or not? The answer depends on the underlying feelings: if it is led by the appreciation, love or belonging, then why not to give another chance. But if the desire is revenge or self-esteem rebuilding, or any other negative emotion, it can make more harm than good.

Want to know more details?

Read the full article at HMG!

HMG: Divorced couple back together?

 

 

Do you need more help without going to a counselor?
Check out the “WISE LOVE” E-book.

Tons of help – understanding the “Why?”-s and figuring out the solutions – via online with my personal help! – Cheaper than 2 counseling sessions!

You can have WISE LOVE!

Oct 26

What is vulnerability good for?

Surprising turns, funny stories but mainly research data about how courage, compassion, connection and vulnerability makes our life worthy.

She is knowledgeable, she is funny, she is a “researcher-story-teller”.

Worth for 20 minutes!

Oct 09

Considerate Parenting – Grounded Adults

Love, attachment, encouragement, trust, discipline, cooperation, independence, and control… what, when and why: shortly

 

I’m sure you can be proud of yourself: you put incredible amount of time, effort and energy to raise your child or children. Most of us do if we have them, and almost never have the acknowledgement for good parenting even not from ourselves.

What we have left is the doubt: how we should handle never before anticipated situations, how we can navigate between millions of different advice…

We know one for sure: we want to raise confident, content and successful children who maintains good connection with us even when they are adult.

What we can do to reach that? Let me share my ideas in the next presentation.

Click the arrow for the next page!

 

Parenting Challenges…useful ideas

 

What do you think? Leave a comment!