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Manipulation Games 3: The Constant Victim

Manipulation Games 4: Iron Fist

Manipulation Games 5: Triangulator

Manipulation Games 9: Intentional Misinterpretation

425.280.2643

communication, emotional manipulation

Dec 15

Manipulation Games 5: Triangulator

By Zita in Communication, Emotional Manipulation, Parenting, Psychology, Relationship

In the “Triangulator” Manipulation Game the manipulator forms temporary alliance with someone and turns him or her against others

Who hasn’t done that before: triggering the competitive side of siblings to gain easy compliance? “Who will be ready with dressing up first?” “Who has the cleaner room?” “Who has the better progress report?” The kids put lots of effort to outcompete each other while you manage daily life with ease as you don’t have to bother explanations and democratic debates. The price? The siblings become each other’s main enemy and one of them is always crying; might become a loser for life.

The popular version played in work places might be way more sophisticated: the trinagulator becomes your confidence and gossips terrible things about others. Some twists and turns, then you are against the others in the front line, with the triangulator holding your back. The alliance takes only while the triangulator interest dictates: the minute he sees gains somewhere else, you are dropped as ally, even might become the next enemy.

This tactic is popular among leaders in the “Divide and conquer” fashion. Until coworkers fight against each other, they are easily controllable by their hostile feelings and have no intention forming alliance against the leadership.

This type of manipulation is the base for the “parent alienation syndrome” in which one of the parents turns the child against the other one following divorce.

The motivation is self-centered as usually in manipulation; either become a hero and rescue you from the terrible others, or serving the interest of the manipulator with temporary alliances, or simply taking revenge for the narcissistic hurts accompanied divorce.

The participants’ interest is ignored and this bothers me most in parenting cases. The convenience of controlling the children with manipulation suppresses to consider the damage the child can suffer: the sibling lose each other’s support as allies or their other parent, the loser’s self-esteem decreases, the whole family atmosphere turns competitive even hostile instead of loving, caring and supporting.

What I would do with a magic wand? Give clairvoyance: see through the flattery and other deceptive tactics and realize the real selfish motifs hidden behind. Then resist to the manipulation to the bottom: not letting competition or hostility heat up.

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More Manipulation Games:

Manipulation Games 1: The “One Upmanship Expert”

Manipulation Games 3: The Constant Victim

Manipulation Games 4: Iron Fist

Manipulation Games 6: Flirt

Manipulation Games 9: Intentional Misinterpretation

425.280.2643

communication, emotional manipulation, fight, parenting, relationship problem

Nov 14

Manipulation Games 4: Iron Fist

By Zita in Communication, Emotional Manipulation, Psychology, Relationship, Self Esteem

In the “Iron Fist” manipulation game the manipulator threatens you physically or mentally if you don’t do what he wants

In our second meeting, all of a sudden the otherwise charming Larry leaned forward, lifted his finger before his face and began yelling. The problem seemed to me insignificant, but his reaction was way overboard. I was scared. My heart pounded in my throat and I struggled to make any sense of the scene: A wider neckline or slightly tight fitting outfit cannot cause that intense outcry! Then what it is all about?

I listened to my feelings, and the suspicion came up that he might try to intimidate me! He might show me if I don’t act as he expects me to then I’m in huge trouble. He showed me: don’t even try to oppose me or else… It might be anger management problem but it might be manipulation too!

He is not the one who tries to press his will with a threat of aggression. Some may throw fists, hit walls, and kick wheels or animals, while others might work out an elaborate plot to blackmail you to comply.

This is the most common type of manipulation in a physically abusive relationship. The formula is simple: if you don’t do what I tell you, I will harm you.

Even when they are calm there is a sense of irritability in the air, just to put you on your toes. This places you in the vigilant state of mind to figure out what the manipulator wants, and complete it in order to make this irritability quickly dissipate.

Don’t mix it with an impulse control issue: this is finely calculated tension generation that the manipulator uses on purpose to control the behavior of his friends, family members or coworkers. It almost never happens with superiors and almost always serves the manipulator’s needs – unlike real impulse control difficulties.

Missing the sense of responsibility about their behavior let alone their feelings is quite remarkable. “You made me angry!” “You made me hit you when you didn’t do what I said.” Sometimes it seems that they really think that everybody else “has to” do what they want as if the others don’t have their own will or it was not important at all.

They might think they are entitled to having their needs fulfilled without giving anything in return. They are either not able to imagine themselves in the other party’s shoes, or they know exactly how they feel, just don’t bother.

Trying to convince them that this is not nice behavior is useless. They are absolutely uninterested in being nice.

This kind of behavior stays in practice until it eventually works. Namely; the manipulator forces his will by threat and you do what he demands in order to avoid that threat. The only way to stop it is to resist the wish expressed by unrelenting pressure – of course until it is not physically dangerous.

Since I told one of my relatives that I don’t accomplish requests that are told by yelling, I haven’t heard a raised voice since.

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More Manipulation Games:

Manipulation Games 1: The “One Upmanship Expert”

Manipulation Games 3: The Constant Victim

Manipulation Games 5: Triangulator

Manipulation Games 6: Flirt

Manipulation Games 9: Intentional Misinterpretation

425.280.2643

argument, assertive, communication, connection, emotional manipulation, family, fight, listening, relationship problem, respect, Self-Esteem

Oct 23

Manipulation Games 3: The Constant Victim

By Zita in Communication, Emotional Manipulation, Psychology, Relationship, Self Esteem

In the “Constant Victim” manipulation game the manipulator plays the martyr to impose the feeling of guilt upon you. Avoiding that you suppose to do what he or she expects you to…

My friend, a struggling small business owner, asked for a reasonable expense: a ballet class for her daughter. Like most other times, talking about money created huge conflicts. Initially, her husband sunk into deep silence instead of saying yes or no maybe with an explanation. With some self-pity in his voice, he gave a rather lengthy depiction of his hard life: how hard work is necessary to earn the money, how stressful is the workplace but above all how little the small business contributes to the household.

In itself, the description was true but the emotional illustration was hard to bear for my friend . Her husband could have said in a soothing voice that he understands the wish of attending ballet class, but in the present situation the family could not afford it. That would be the direct communication. Pressuring the family with evoked guilt and shame makes the interaction manipulative.

Constant victims develop these kinds of tactics into a lifestyle. In most of their relationships they feel like – or pretend to feel like victims. They have victimized reactions and tell their stories one-sidedly to the next person.

Manipulative individuals are able to twist and turn any story until they end up being a victim of the situation. Naturally, everyone else is responsible for their injustices excluding themselves.

They try to seek sympathy or get favors by it or they can avoid accountability with it. Who would put more pressure to such an unfortunate person? In this situation, it is difficult to make them accountable for anything.

Sometimes their own guilt stands in the back of the process: perhaps they didn’t accomplish their assignments.

At other times they possess genuine talent and because of that they believe they deserve exceptional treatment.

They harbor a mixture of anger and fear. They might not feel their own anger but project it into their environment. They can pressure people and when they react back aggressively, they are immediately in the familiar victim role.

Confronting them with their tactics is very hard. They truly don’t see or don’t want to admit what they are up to. Not to mention that confrontation is the other perfect reason to feel and act victimized again.

Their goal is to collect sympathy, avoiding responsibility, or getting away with unaccomplished assignments and avoiding introspection following rightful critique.

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425.280.2643

More Manipulation Games:

Manipulation Games 1: The “One Upmanship Expert”

Manipulation Games 4: Iron Fist

Manipulation Games 5: Triangulator

Manipulation Games 6: Flirt