Welcome to the Training.
Here you have 10 short presentations, they last about 4 to 8 minutes.
1-2-3-4 presentations are about what you need to know about manipulation in order to handle it successfully.
5-6-7-8-9-10 presentations about what you need to do to handle manipulative situations.
You can go through the presentations in the sequence you want to, however, I think you better off if you go in order. Manipulation is tricky, you need to understand what’s going on beyond the surface level. In the first 4 presentations you will get a good oversight.
From the “Resistance Tactics” chapters, you might not want to use every each one of them in every each time, but please check them all: different situations require different responses, it’s best to be prepared.
Again: because of the pressurizing, rushing and in the same time deceitful nature of manipulation, I suggest to begin with the “Buying Time” chapter. You will need this tactic first in order identify, understand what is happening and think through what will be your response to the situation. This gives you the first tool not to fall for rushing.
Happy learning!
Don’t be shy to leave a comment or question!
Questions worth to answer for yourself:
1: Do you feel like you are in a manipulative relationship? What signs do you see?
2: What can be your part that supports the cycle to maintain?
3: What behavior changes can you decide immediately after the first chapter that might help you to disarm manipulation?
Questions worth to answer for yourself:
1: What kind of thinking is typical of your loved one? (black&white/picking responsibilities, competitiveness, no empathy, entitlement, self-fulfilling prophecies)
2: What games are usual in your relationship/household?
3: What bothers you most?
Questions worth to answer for yourself:
1: What are the dirty tactics most often used against you?
2: Which one is easiest to handle/withstand?
3: Which on is the hardest to handle/withstand?
Questions worth to answer for yourself:
1: What personality traits you have that makes you susceptible for manipulation?
2: What are your unfulfilled needs you strive to fulfill?
3: First thoughts how you can manage them?
Questions worth to answer for yourself:
1: Fill into words what’s happening in your relationship! (3rd slide)
A/On the surface it seems to be ____.
B/It makes me feel____.
C/To avoid that feeling I suppose to____.
2: Write down some Time Buying sentence/action if you are pressurized to answer immediately what the other wants you to, by the phone.
3: Write down some sentence/action how you can buy time for yourself if you are pressurized to do something in person.
Questions worth to answer for yourself:
1: What is the hardest feeling your loved one can cause you? Think further… what if s/he really _____ Is it really as deadly as you thought at first?
2: Think about it rationally: The content/topic/opinion is not real or true: it is only a tool to force you to act/not act.
3: Write down expressions/sentences what helps you to disengage. Here is my 3 favorite ones.
A/”Not my monkeys not my circus.”
B/”I am not gonna get involved in it.”
C/”Detach.” (emotionally from the imposed feeling)
Questions worth to answer for yourself:
1: How many times can you say no if someone nags you? Ask a friend to practice. The more the better.
2: What will be your “Broken Record” sentence in the next time when the most frequent argument/nagging/pressurization happens? (“I want to buy a car.” “I don’t want to stay quiet about my needs.”)
3: What can be you “Fogging” sentence? (“I understand how you feel.” “I see you feel I don’t care about you.)
4: What will be you “Negative Assertion”? Remember: no put downs, no labeling. “I’m not the best at keeping schedule.”
5: What will be your “Negative Inquiry”? “What else you don’t like I do?”
Questions worth to answer for yourself:
1: How can I be NOT a people pleaser?
2: How can I give up the idea that I everybody has to love me, or everybody has to approve what I do?
3: How can I be tougher against angry people?
4: How can I stand up for myself in conflicts?
5: Please write sentences how will you sand up for what you want, using statement with “want/ don’t want” “interested/not interested”, “decided to/not to” “choose to/not to”.
6: Write a list about your new boundaries. Eg: “I need an undisturbed space to work on my…” “I want you to take care about your lunch.” “I will not pick you up tomorrow at…”
7: Identify your feelings, judgments, opinion. Think about them. If you feel you’re right, you probably right. Believe yourself, but first of all believe your “gut feelings”. They are most of the time right.
8: Decide first that from now on YOU will decide what will happen in your life. Begin to live according to that. The belief will follow the success. Write a list what you can influence in your life with your choices.
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Questions worth to answer for yourself:
1: Fill into word first for yourself, later for your loved one: what exactly s/he is doing. “Yells at me.” “Ignores me.” “Threats me.” “Gives me the guilt trip.” “Gives me the silent treatment.”
2: Fill into words first for yourself, later to your loved one how does it make you feel. “I feel disrespected.” “I feel neglected.” “I feel rejected.”
3: Fill into words how you would like to be treated instead. “Ask me straightforward.” “Use the magic word: please!” “Let me choose.”
4: Fill into words how you would feel in this case: “I would feel respected.” “I would feel like I have a choice.” “I would feel what I think count for you.”
(Advanced: 5: Fill into word how you will give back the responsibility for his/her choice of communication. “I understand that this is you choice to yell/guilt trip/threat/silent treatment me. Now you know how I feel when you do it.”)
6: Write down what your loved one wants you to do with the above mentioned tactics? “Wants me to visit more often.” “Wants me not to ask any object.” “Want me not to ask about fulfilling my needs.” “Wants me to take bigger workload without complain.”
7: Sate that you will not fulfill this will until it is asked with manipulative tactics. “I understand that by yelling at me you want to ensure that I do always what you want me to, but I don’t fulfill requests told by yelling anymore.” “”I understand that by giving me the guilt trip you want me to keep my mouth shut about my needs and wants, but this tactic does not work on me anymore.”
8: Write down your own combination of “naming and blocking” sentences. “I see you are giving me the silent treatment, and it makes me feel disconnected and rejected. If you asked me instead of going with you on that trip, I would feel taken into consideration. I understand that you can choose to give me the silent treatment, now you know how I feel about it. From now on this will be not a successful tactic to make me do what you wanted to. (And in the case of silent treatment I would go do something – anything else with the note: Now I go gardening. If you decide to talk to me again, you can tell me.”
Questions worth to answer for yourself:
1: Collect your main areas of issues and fill into words how do you want them to be handled.
2: Make a list what you are willing to do and not willing to do from now.
3: Write a list about your needs that are not fulfilled now. Write down sentences how you will ask their fulfillment. (Remember: want, need, decide, choose to…)
4: Write down how you will express your belief that this new limits will help to create a healthier relationship.
5: Think through – write down what compromise are you willing to take.
6; Think through – write down the possibilities:
If s/he ____ I stay.
If s/he___ I leave.
If s/he___ I resist.
If s/he ___ give in.
If s/he ___ I settle for limited damage.
If s/he ___ I insist to a full scale change.
Be patient with yourself! It’s a learning process, it will not be perfect just because once you’ve read this, or heard this. Please come back any time for read/hear again, repeat it as many times as you want to.
Let me hear about your success and your challenges as well! Leave a comment, please!
Thank you very much for your interest!
Good luck!
