Do I have to choose right then everything will happen by default – or:
Doesn’t matter who I chose if I adjust sufficiently love will follow?
None of them, or both?
In my opinion, this concept is the product of western civilization which assumes that you simply have to find your “true love”, progress your way through to the wedding ceremony; then you are primed to live “Happily Ever After”. The main emphasis is on the choice: you choose “The Right One”, later in the courtship you might be confronted with complications, but undoubtedly everything will quickly turn into roses at the “I do.”
The opposite can be found in other cultures. For example, in India the respective parents arrange marriages sometimes even as early as childhood. The future couple doesn’t meet until the wedding. Once accomplished, they have a life time to fall in love with each other. Interestingly – or understandably? – However, their divorce statistics are much lower than ours.
These two approaches represent the two sides of a successful relationship.
On one hand, you have to choose A right person whose personality, values, expectations complement yours. In the long term, you can be sure you will meet a few people who can be a good candidate in spending your life with. If you inadvertently missed one, or lost another, it is not the end of the world – maybe the end of a trial period. It can be truly painful and worthy of grieving. Loving and being in a relationship is rather about ability: if you had it before, you have a good chance to create it next time as well. If you haven’t had a relationship before, there is genuine hope!
On the other hand, in any relationship you need to adjust to the other person. No true love exists (after the Honeymoon) where the other party has no fault, no mistake, or no annoying traits. Here comes the acceptance, common sense evaluation and adjustment. Is this annoying custom or trait important enough to mention and generate discord? Is it something which might be changed over time, or there is no other way but accept and move forward?
In some people’s opinion, a marriage is when I decide to tolerate the other one’s bad traits for a lifetime. Maybe!
How will you know if you choose well? When you only have to be more acceptant and develop skills to resolve issues? When you happen to choose wrongly, the best thing to do is to break up?
Listen to your feelings: does your partner make you feel good about yourself? Does s/he support your dreams, your hobbies, your friends, or your development? After an open conversation, do you feel strengthened as a result? If it is true, it is worth expending major efforts to make the relationship ongoing.
But if your partner makes you feel inferior, little, stupid, never good enough; if your opinion is always wrong, if you feel weakened after a conversation, you don’t feel appreciated: don’t even try to change anything! “Run, run, run as fast as you can…” –
Find someone who is able to love and appreciate you!
All in all: find the best fit from a few, and make the connection work! It could be this Valentine or one in the future. It doesn’t really apply if you have 20-30-40 years to discover that special one!
By the way: The WISE LOVE E-book can be tremendous help in both sides as it was designed for working out the process of choice with details and supporting the adjustment with practical guidance.
You can have WISE LOVE!